Because I hate the man I have become
by sketchyclaw
Summary: Rodolphus turns from the dark side. Why? There are things that make him see his errors.


**Written for QLFC season 7 - quarter-finals by beater 1 of Falmouth Falcons.**

Prompt: Use the Beater 2 prompt for their favorite round this season

Selected Prompt: Round 11 - A character defects from the dark side to join the light (Restriction: not Snape or Regulus)

**optional Prompts:**

[color] dark orange

[creature] Dementor

Warnings: use of cruciatus, some kissing

* * *

**Because I hate the man I have become**

The dark orange jet of light shot from Rodolphus' wand and hit the victim square in the quest. It screamed and writhed on the ground before the Death Eaters surrounding it. High-pitched laughter emerged from one of the hooded figures, followed by a red curse racing towards the victim.

Another scream, another curse, another laugh. Every single one of them shot curses and hexes at the victim on the ground, every one of them enjoying the night immensely. A hoarse chuckle left Rodolphus' throat as his lover hit the victim with a particular strong cruciatus curse. He eyed her lovingly and whipped his wand through the air to merge their curses on the target.

When the victim finally stopped breathing—stopped existing, the group of madly laughing and joyfully screaming Death Eaters ran out into the night without caring who saw them. This night was perfect, and they were invincible for the moment.

"You were awesome, my love." Rodolphus purred in Bella's ear as he threw his arms possessively around her waist. She grinned up at him through her mask, and Rodolphus knew her eyes were shining because of the same thrill he felt himself. The pure, raw power over a target was something new every time.

The familiar rush of energy paired with the knowledge of being superior. This was his drug of choice, right behind Bella. Nothing could make him as wild as she. He grinned back at her and snogged her right there in the middle of all their fellow Death Eaters.

She was his and he was hers. Her rough bite into his left ear made it clear once more. It wasn't as if he enjoyed pain but feeling Bella's teeth dig into his flesh made him go insane. He growled deep in his throat as the dark orange sparks that signaled the departure for all four spread Death Eater groups.

With another deep growl, Rodolphus grabbed Bella tighter and apparated back to their master.

The only thing that was left behind, was a destroyed muggle village in the middle of nowhere and the echo of Bella's insane laughter.

* * *

It had been a week since their last successful raid and Bella craved the activity. She wanted to bring more victims to their knees, wanted to see the life leave their eyes. Rodolphus was curled up on one of the huge leather chairs in the main entrance of their headquarters.

He too was restless, his magic pulsing through his veins like a beast wanting to be let loose.

"Love, stop pacing you make me nervous." he smiled slightly at her but did not lift his gaze fully from his book. Otherwise, he had seen the evil grin slowly spreading over Bella's face.

"But I am bored, Rud," she complained. The next thing Rodolphus knew was Bella sitting on his lap starting to open his robes.

He growled and captured her face with his hands, then he pulled her in for a kiss. She squealed out of surprise but let him continue.

"I want…" she breathed digging her fingernails into his shoulders. He smiled at her and held a finger to her lips.

"Just do it, love!" He closed his eyes and awaited whatever she wanted to do. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately. Rodolphus moaned and let himself fall into the bliss of being with his love.

The next moment though, a pained scream tore through the room as the dark-haired man thrashed around in the chair, almost falling to the floor. Bellatrix lifted the curse as soon as he was on the ground.

He looked up at her with pain-filled, teary eyes. There was nothing in them indicating he liked what she just did. This very moment he was shocked to no ends. The slight trembling in his body indicated he hadn't felt wrong.

Bella had just used the cruciatus on him. He knew she sometimes liked it rougher but normally they were far from using torture. This was nothing he wanted.

"Why…" He breathed, not trusting his voice. He sat there on the ground staring up at his madly laughing lover, not understanding what had happened just a few seconds before.

That moment, something important broke inside Rodolphus. Something he hadn't deemed so great, but something that had been there, holding him together.

* * *

Practice rounds were always difficult as the Dark Lord made them practice curses and counter-curses. He made them duel each other and sometimes himself. All Death Eaters were wearing full regalia as was custom during those lessons. They had to fight in those robes during a raid, too.

This evening there was something different. It most commonly was referred to as "encounter." The Dark Lord usually brought something or someone for them to fight against. Today it was a dementor.

The horror was clearly visible in the eyes of every Death Eater while the dark Lord explained this day's lesson. Withstanding the dementor's effect. How were they supposed to do that? The only way of fighting a dementor was by casting a really strong Patronus. None of them was able to produce more than thin mist.

All his thoughts helped Rodolphus nothing. Just as the Dark Lord stopped talking the Dementor was released from his magical restraints and the group felt his power immediately.

The cold seeped into his body like water in the winter. He shuddered, and then it started. Memories were flung at him, playing in front of his mind, ripping him apart. All the things he did in the last years, all the people he had tortured, all the curses he himself had felt. But most prominent was the picture of Bella standing above him, laughing as he tried processing what had happened. He felt the pain, the betrayal and he hated it.

How long Rodolphus relieved his worst memories; he didn't know. But there was a lot of blood and grief and hurt. A lot of feeling that he had kept hidden for a reason.

When his brain was working properly again, he felt his body trembling; he heard the Dark Lord's dismissal. Then he forced his feet to carry him out of the room, all the time clutching his wand inside his robes tightly. The wand suddenly felt cooler than before. He remembered what he had done with it. And it seemed as if the relaxing, calming feeling that usually rushed through him, was lost.

This night, Rodolphus lie next to Bella, her head on his chest. She was tired but seemingly alright. Perhaps she was too far down the road of insanity to understand? The little painful thing that had been shattered by her cruciatus a week ago, fell apart completely at this thought.

What if they were all lost? Rodolphus knew there was no point in torturing himself, but he couldn't stop remembering all the 'victims' and 'targets' his wand had pointed at. The most terrible thing was, he couldn't remember their faces, nor their names or the placed he had harmed them in.

From this night on, Rodolphus swore himself to look, really look at the people he killed. And so, he did. With every raid, every 'target' they were presented with, his trust in the ways of the Dark Lord strayed.

First, it was just a flicker of uncertainty, but soon that flicker go bigger and bigger, it grew into a raging, dark-orange fire. Mere three weeks after the Dementor, Rodolphus left.

He left it all behind, without a word. To no one. He just fled in the middle of the night, from the side of his so-called lover and from the ranks of the once so intriguing man who was the Dark Lord.

He fled to the only place he knew to be just a bit safe. He fled to Hogwarts, to Dumbledore. And he explained everything, there he saw the young Severus Snape, and that very moment he knew he wasn't the only one.

But Rodolphus did not stay. He started working against the Dark Lord. But not out in the public like the Order of Phoenix did. Too high was the chance of having to face Bella again. Too big his fear.

Rodolphus hid the rest of the war, helping the Order by thinking like a high-ranked Death Eater. After all, he had held a rather high position under the Dark Lord's followers. That he did until Dumbledore told him his spy was now part of the inner circle and more useful.

It was then when Rodolphus decided to go away. To the other end of the world. To safety.

To the question of why he fled and why he helped the light side, he simply answered:

"Because I hate the man I have become."


End file.
